Nothing in this blog can be believed. If you think that anything in this blog is true or factual, you'll need to verify it from another source. Do you understand? No? Then read it again, and repeat this process, until you understand that you cannot sue me for anything you read here. Also, having been sucked into taking part in the mass-murder of more than 3 million Vietnamese people on behalf of U.S. Big Business "interests", I'm as mad as a cut snake (and broke) so it might be a bit silly to try to sue me anyway...

Thursday, March 03, 2005

navel gazing...

I notice I'm so full of self-doubt (low self esteem) that when people say positive things about this blog or me, this same self-doubt immediately either disbelieves, trivialises, diminishes or in some other way tries to deny any validity in what is said.

Same thing happens when I do my pathetic number and people come in here in droves to offer support and encouragement. I then beat myself up for having been so pathetic, and I accuse myself of having somehow gone on a sick sympathy-seeking mission.

Maybe I should go back into therapy/counselling, but I got so sick of that stuff because somehow I seemed to be negating it too.

I don't understand why people bother with my rantings but if it wasn't for the feedback (comments), I'm sure I'd have pulled it off the net by now. And that's another thing. I notice that I'm addicted to the feedback. I die a thousand deaths when comments seem to dry up. I'm sure it's not healthy for me to feel this way. It's bound to be addictive.

Ironically, this is nearly my only social interaction with the outside world. I've long ago trashed all the friendships I used to have. I shun my relatives. I just couldn't cope with the moronic triviality and sheep-like stupidity of their lives. I don't even get out of the house except to go shopping. I'm a pathetic, boorish, opinionated recluse. To quote Graucho Marx, "I wouldn't join any club that would have me as a member." An extension of this is that I wouldn't believe anyone who says nice things about me (BUT DON'T STOP!!)

I don't know why my partner hasn't thrown me out yet. She must truly love me (or is it co-dependence?) And again I notice this voice that is my low self-esteem telling me that I am pathetic and I must be making her life hell and if I truly loved here I'd get the hell out of her life so she can find someone else, someone more worthy.

Oh, all of this has been done to death in counselling, but no amount of rational thinking seems to change this undercurrent of self-doubt and self-loathing.

I call it my pathetic-loop. It's where my depression comes from. It's where my suicide thoughts come from. Oh all sorts of people have given me advice and encouragement but "the beat goes on, the beat goes on..." It just doesn't end. It never ends.

Medication? Chemicals? ECT? Fuck off!

So, have we all finished vomiting yet, boys and girls?

12 Comments:

Blogger BigBob said...

Different causes, different levels but you aren't alone or different to a hell of a lot of us.

I put it down to the price of being an intelligent animal.

It's too damn easy to get your mind all screwed up and then you are always fighting those stupid voices of your own making.

As my wife puts it, why are your worst enemies in your own head?

Western society with it's emphasis on youth, beauty, perfection and consumption doesn't help in trying to find that inner peace which is what we all truly aspire to.

At least blogging gives you an outlet to let off the steam.

March 03, 2005 11:25 AM  
Blogger Gerry said...

Ah bigbob. You are one who understands. Yes, the "outlet" factor was the main reason for why I began blogging. Now I think it's being displaced by "comment craving". :-(

Just before I lost the plot in '97, I think I was getting close to finding inner peace. At least that's what I thought at the time. I remember thinking "if only I could learn to stop this restless mind of mine, inner peace will be there." It never happened. And these days I'm light years away it.

March 03, 2005 11:43 AM  
Blogger bogan-A said...

Ah, you'd be surprised how many feel the same way.

Talking with mates is the best therapy there is, so I reckon the blog is bang on target for you.

Helps me, although I save the darkest stuff for mutterings in my mind...

March 03, 2005 12:41 PM  
Blogger Gerry said...

Indeed, Martin. Blog therapy. I think it does help.

March 03, 2005 1:30 PM  
Blogger Ron said...

I started blogging as an outlet too, Gerry. I would get frustrated when I read something in the paper or saw some doco on TV and just wanted to be able to comment on it.

But I am moving into that phase you mentioned where I get upset at the lack of comments and linking. I *know* this is wrong and blogging is supposed to be a personal thing but this need, shall I call it approval-seeking resulting from low-esteem, is taken over.

I write fiction and have done since I was 8. I have completed four novels and hundreds of short stories but have never succeeded in getting published. For most of my 'writing life', the writing was the thing, publication would just have been icing on the cake. But after these years, lack of publication has become the defining thing to the point I now have writer's block.

These two things seem to have that similar linkage - low self-esteem which is part of a depression/anxiety cycle.

Anyway, as I have mentioned I have been down the breakdown/psych hospital/drugs/ect route but they all they have is help but not cure.

I am not sure I have got my point across (I seem to be rambling - did I go far 'off-topic'?) and these bloody small comment typing boxes on blogger and other blogs do NOT help with maintaing some kind of continuity flow in your thinking.

And to top it (shouldn't use that phrase at the moment) off I HATE getting old! Sometimes the thought of leaving all the worries behind and just falling asleep is so inviting but then I think of my kids.

I have turned this conversation round talking about myself - perhaps I should turn the emphasis of my blog from politics (there are too many of these anyway) to a sort of group therapy session.

I am raving on here .....sorry, folks but the talking is doing ME some good. I hope I don't regret clicking the publish button now.

March 03, 2005 8:23 PM  
Blogger Gerry said...

Ron, please don't feel you should regret pushing the "publish" button.

I don't think any of the readers here will be anything but supportive. I am the only ogre here (and I make sure of that.) You should have learned by now that if I go apeshit that this is about me and not about you. So chill out, Ron.

Yes, I often snarl and growl at people, and those who understand me realise that that's just me, and they don't take it too personally.

You raised a lot of interesting issues. For instance: Getting upset at the lack of comments and linking. Before seeing your comment I had already decided to make this very thing the topic of my next blog post, so watch that space. :-)

About your writing. Thanks for sharing that. I don't know how I would advise you on that, but I'm sure other readers will suggest helpful stuff. (At least I hope so.)

You said: "...low self-esteem which is part of a depression/anxiety cycle." I think you're right about that.

And finally, yes, love for those closest to us is what keeps us around and stops us doing stupid, selfish things. I know. Been there often.

As far as your concerns about being off topic or "raving", don't worry about that. Just say what you want to say. That's part of what this blog is all about. And now a whole host of people will guffaw at what I just said and remind me about the number of times I've climbed down someone's throat for what they said. But if their recollection is intact they'll recal it was never when someone was being vulnerable by opening themselves up to the whole readership. (At least I hope that's the case, and if not, I deserve a good roasting.)

March 03, 2005 11:55 PM  
Anonymous kyte said...

Shit happens (and no, um not being unsympathetic, just realistic) and its not the shit that makes us crazy or sad or depressed, its what we make of it.

Try reading:
1. Beating the blues by Tanner and Ball
2. Change Your Thinking by Sarah Edelman.

Both are available at Angus and Robertson and probably lots of other stores as well.

March 05, 2005 12:52 PM  
Blogger Gerry said...

kyte, I agree with what you say and thanks for the book recommendations. From about 1980 till 1994/5 I was a firebreathing evangelist for the "It's all up to you and anything is possible" religion. Then the bottom fell out and I "hit the wall" as some say. In theory I don't knock this "winners are grinners" religion, but I know there is something a bit less simplistic than "you're just not trying hard enough". I've had counselling till it cam out of my ears. I'm afraid I'm all psyched-out. Some call me a loser and a quitter. That's OK by me too. Let the smartarses fix the world before they expect me to want to "play" again. I see this "game" called life and it's a fucking joke.
I'm ranting. [/rant]

March 05, 2005 4:26 PM  
Anonymous kyte said...

Just go read the damn books. Then when you finished, find yourself a CBT therapist. Not counselling, NOT psychotherapy, just plain common sense. do it.

March 06, 2005 11:36 AM  
Blogger Gerry said...

Kyte, you're a tough cookie. :-)

In 1989 I eclected stuff and created a thing I called Personal Effectiveness Training (PET) and I taught it to a bunch of SES volunteers I was training to be rescue team leaders.

Every time I hear someone explain Cognitive Behaviour Therapy, they sound like they've hijacked my PET.

We also used psych assessments to select those most suited to respond to PET favourably. Worked miracles.

We did not consider it appropriate to subject people to it if they were likely to have a "lose" with it. People with a sense of failure don't need another one to add to their repertoire. What I'm saying i sthat there are attitudinal prerequisites and in that area I've lost it. I've chucked in the towel. I have no intention to let some do-gooder get my hopes up just to go crashing down again. This is a very complex set of issues for me. I'll just stagger around in my stuffed way till I kark it if it's all the same with all of you guys, OK?

I'm at at arse-end of my life, not some teenager who must be saved. I've had a pretty good life up until 1995. That's enough for me. I'm gliding to a final landing, I'm not interested in kicking in the afterburners to go round for another circuit. I don't want a long life. That would be the ultimate curse for me. I yearn for an early death. I'm tired. I'm burned out. I have nothing left to re-invent myself yet again. I stagger from day to day trying to ignore the suicidal thoughts so as not to hurt those who love me and because I don't have the guts anyhow, and by thus prolonging my existence I invariable end up hurting those I love anyway. Seems you just have to get happy or you're dragging those near you down. I refuse to get happy given the shit that's going down all over the world. Singing happy songs whilst sseing the plane I'm on heading towards a mountain is not in my character I'm afraid.

March 06, 2005 2:27 PM  
Anonymous kyte said...

CBT has been around since the 1960s, so no, nobody hijacked your training.

If you dont want to do anything about your situation, fine with me. But i'll refrain from remarking/reading your navelgazing type posts from now on, it seems futile to respond to them.

and yes, I'm a tough cookie. been in the business for too long to... well...you get the idea.

March 06, 2005 3:21 PM  
Blogger Gerry said...

Sigh...

March 06, 2005 3:48 PM  

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