Nothing in this blog can be believed. If you think that anything in this blog is true or factual, you'll need to verify it from another source. Do you understand? No? Then read it again, and repeat this process, until you understand that you cannot sue me for anything you read here. Also, having been sucked into taking part in the mass-murder of more than 3 million Vietnamese people on behalf of U.S. Big Business "interests", I'm as mad as a cut snake (and broke) so it might be a bit silly to try to sue me anyway...

Monday, May 30, 2005

Unitarian Jihad issues phatwa...

The following is the text of a phatwa issued against the US by an American terrorist organisation called the Unitarian Jihad:
Greetings to the Imprisoned Citizens of the United States. We are the Unitarian Jihad. There is only one God, unless there is more than one God. The vote of our God subcommittee is 10-8 in favor of one God, with two abstentions. Brother Flaming Sword of Moderation noted the possibility of there being no God at all, and his objection was noted with love by the secretary.

Greetings to the Imprisoned Citizens of the United States! Too long has your attention been waylaid by the bright baubles of extremist thought. Too long have fundamentalist yahoos of all religions (except Buddhism -- 14-5 vote, no abstentions, fundamentalism subcommittee) made your head hurt. Too long have you been buffeted by angry people who think that God talks to them. You have a right to your moderation! You have the power to be calm! We will use the IED of truth to explode the SUV of dogmatic expression!

People of the United States, why is everyone yelling at you??? Whatever happened to ... you know, everything? Why is the news dominated by nutballs saying that the Ten Commandments have to be tattooed inside the eyelids of every American, or that Allah has told them to kill Americans in order to rid the world of Satan, or that Yahweh has instructed them to go live wherever they feel like, or that Shiva thinks bombing mosques is a great idea? Sister Immaculate Dagger of Peace notes for the record that we mean no disrespect to Jews, Muslims, Christians or Hindus. Referred back to the committee of the whole for further discussion.

We are Unitarian Jihad. We are everywhere. We have not been born again, nor have we sworn a blood oath. We do not think that God cares what we read, what we eat or whom we sleep with. Brother Neutron Bomb of Serenity notes for the record that he does not have a moral code but is nevertheless a good person, and Unexalted Leader Garrote of Forgiveness stipulates that Brother Neutron Bomb of Serenity is a good person, and this is to be reflected in the minutes.

Beware! Unless you people shut up and begin acting like grown-ups with brains enough to understand the difference between political belief and personal faith, the Unitarian Jihad will begin a series of terrorist-like actions. We will take over television studios, kidnap so-called commentators and broadcast calm, well-reasoned discussions of the issues of the day. We will not try for "balance" by hiring fruitcakes; we will try for balance by hiring non-ideologues who have carefully thought through the issues.

We are Unitarian Jihad. We will appear in public places and require people to shake hands with each other. (Sister Hand Grenade of Love suggested that we institute a terror regime of mandatory hugging, but her motion was not formally introduced because of lack of a quorum.) We will require all lobbyists, spokesmen and campaign managers to dress like trout in public. Televangelists will be forced to take jobs as Xerox repair specialists. Demagogues of all stripes will be required to read Proust out loud in prisons.

We are Unitarian Jihad, and our motto is: "Sincerity is not enough." We have heard from enough sincere people to last a lifetime already. Just because you believe it's true doesn't make it true. Just because your motives are pure doesn't mean you are not doing harm. Get a dog, or comfort someone in a nursing home, or just feed the birds in the park. Play basketball. Lighten up. The world is not out to get you, except in the sense that the world is out to get everyone.

Brother Gatling Gun of Patience notes that he's pretty sure the world is out to get him because everyone laughs when he says he is a Unitarian. There were murmurs of assent around the room, and someone suggested that we buy some Congress members and really stick it to the Baptists. But this was deemed against Revolutionary Principles, and Brother Gatling Gun of Patience was remanded to the Sunday Flowers and Banners committee.

People of the United States! We are Unitarian Jihad! We can strike without warning. Pockets of reasonableness and harmony will appear as if from nowhere! Nice people will run the government again! There will be coffee and cookies in the Gandhi Room after the revolution.

Source: Candleboy
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10 Comments:

Blogger Deirdre said...

I nearly skipped reading this. Got as far as "The following is the text of a phatwa issued against the US..." in the first line and did a mental groan and eye-roll. Can't deal with that at the moment...

But it's funny! Thank God, gods, and all the rest of 'em. Thanks.

May 30, 2005 11:51 PM  
Blogger Gerry said...

Gotcha! :-)

May 31, 2005 2:00 AM  
Blogger Brownie said...

everytime I see a newsreport on 'factions' attacking each other anywhere in the world I always transpose it to here -
'the toorak faction of the presbyterian church atacked the lutheran factions in Adelaide' etc. WTF? and it still doesn't make sense.

June 01, 2005 12:31 PM  
Blogger Gerry said...

They're all sub-plots of the "us against them" racket. Xenpohobia and racism generally drive these conflicts. Often they're also fuelled by the hateful rantings religious nutcases, or for that matter, the hateful rantings of anit-religious nutcases. If they're spruiking war, they're nuts. I don't care which side they're on.

June 02, 2005 1:56 AM  
Anonymous Brownie said...

I forgot to mention, thanks for that - I was laughing and enjoying it; and re 'spruiking war' John Howard doesn't represent me, and others are not represented by Blair n Bush. Having said that, I've just read Christopher Hitchens defence of the war on Iraq, and he has been there and I haven't. He may not have read the Riverbend blog of course . . . . what a drag - going out now to stun some stranger by shaking their hand.

June 03, 2005 10:40 AM  
Blogger Gerry said...

Ever since Hitchens had his "conversion", I've found bugger-all worth reading from the man. He's just your average ordinary common garden variety turncoat. I'd say he's possibly mentally ill. You'd have to be to write what he writes these days. Am I being a bit harsh do you think, Brownie?

June 03, 2005 6:18 PM  
Anonymous Brownie said...

nah. I've just come from The Daily Mirror site where Tony Parsons is being VERY RIGHTWING about unmarried mothers. the whole time I read and agreed with him, I had an image of his infamous NME punk days with the barbed wire around his desk.
Maybe Hitchens is another Hinch -
'look at me! I said bugger poo bum'.
I thought he ripped Mother Teresa to pieces to get attention.

I have the most recent Ed McBain to read and blot out the actual world tonight.
cheers.

June 03, 2005 8:35 PM  
Blogger Gerry said...

Reading the Daily Mirror? Oh dear... You agreeing with right wing rants about unmarried mothers? It's all too cryptic for me, Brownie.

I think Hitchens is a either a slime bucket writing for the highest bidder, or he keeps switching the demographic he's writing to. Either way, I don't think he's expressing his own genuine views on anything. He's just a contract keyboard.

June 04, 2005 10:13 AM  
Blogger Deirdre said...

I can't remember ever reading anything by Christopher Hitchens, but I've seen him on tv, doing his best to look windswept and ratbagish. He always makes me laugh, as did this: "I'd say he's possibly mentally ill."
Go, Gerry...
LOL

June 07, 2005 1:23 PM  
Blogger Gerry said...

Deirdre, yeah, I hold Hitchens in utter contempt. I think trendoid arsehole is a good word...

Glad you were amused. :-)

June 07, 2005 1:54 PM  

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