wanna be a stand-up comedian?
Found over at Mindless Blather:
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
Phone answering machine message - “…If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key…”.
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, “Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts.”
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, “No, the steaks are too high.”
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, “Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!” The doctor replied “I know you can’t, I’ve cut your arms off”.
I went to a seafood disco last week…and pulled a muscle.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it, too.
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says “I’ll give you some cream to put on it.”
‘Doc I can’t stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home’ ”That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. ‘ Is it common? ‘ “It’s not unusual.”
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. “My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?” ”Well,” said the vet, ”let’s have a look at him” So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, “I’m going to have to put him down.” “What? Because he’s cross-eyed?” ”No, because he’s really heavy”
Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other “Your round.” The other one says “So are you, you fat bastard!”
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
“You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, ‘Parking Fine.’ “
A man walked into the doctors, he said, “I’ve hurt my arm in several places” The doctor said, “Well don’t go there anymore”
Ireland’s worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night...
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
Phone answering machine message - “…If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key…”.
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, “Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts.”
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, “No, the steaks are too high.”
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, “Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!” The doctor replied “I know you can’t, I’ve cut your arms off”.
I went to a seafood disco last week…and pulled a muscle.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it, too.
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says “I’ll give you some cream to put on it.”
‘Doc I can’t stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home’ ”That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. ‘ Is it common? ‘ “It’s not unusual.”
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. “My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?” ”Well,” said the vet, ”let’s have a look at him” So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, “I’m going to have to put him down.” “What? Because he’s cross-eyed?” ”No, because he’s really heavy”
Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other “Your round.” The other one says “So are you, you fat bastard!”
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
“You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, ‘Parking Fine.’ “
A man walked into the doctors, he said, “I’ve hurt my arm in several places” The doctor said, “Well don’t go there anymore”
Ireland’s worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night...
posted by The Editor at
12:59 AM
10 Comments:
Link, haha. The fact that you had to read the last on twice seems to indicate that you're 90% Irish. (Why are they so cruel to the Irish? Irish jokes must be penned by the British.)
I trried Haloscan. Didn't like it. Forgot why. :-(
Ron, I agree this is a vast improvement. I emailed them after my last hissy fit about their commenting software and they wrote back today saying that they're soon going to add the feature we all want i.e. to make corrections/changes after comments have been posted.
So all should be well soon.
Ooooooooeeee...
I LERVE the Crazybear pic!
I'm so glad now that I put it up. It came my way compliments of Mal
Now if we could only get blogger.com to grow a brain and also display the gravatars when the comments are dis[played by clicking on "comments" instead of only being visible when one goes into "post a comment" mode.
Looks like I'll have to email the dingabats again. Someone in their Concepts Section is asleep at the wheel. Or maybe they don't have a Concepts Section?
In the Army I was once posted to an Ops/Concepts Section. By God we planned some dastardly things there. All in the name of "World Peace" of course... Hahahahahahaha...
Saw some VERY interesting files there too. The pink and the red ones were the best. But if I told you about any of this, they'd have to kill me, so I won't.
Not only to cut down the migration to haloscan, which is fantastic, but also to bring more people on board. If blogger had had a decent commenting system years ago, I would never have dumped it for other scripts. Of course there's also the possibility that they are gearing up for more competition from Livejournal which has just been bought by SixApart quite recently... and no doubt the SixApart touch will be obvious there before much longer.
Maybe they could add an interpreter so I'd know what the hell you're talking about! HaHa
DS
DS, me old mate, we're just indulging in a bit of Blogger Banter. When you finally surrender to the dork side of the farce I'll initiate you into The Brotherhood Of Bloggers and teach you Bloggerspeak and the Secret Keystrokes. Just say the word...
I'm gonna surprise you one a these days and take you up on it, but how could I ever compete with an Aussie blog???
DS
DS, I hope you do. And don't worry about competing with us Aussies. You can't. Just be satrisfied to be second best. After all we must all learn our place in the Order of Things. :-)
Seriously, the stuff you email me to post here, and your own comments, if they were on your blog, you would have yourself a nice blog indeed. And we would all come over and comment on your stuff and so would others and soon I would have to kill you in a fit of jealousy!
What? And put me out of my misery? You wouldn't dare!
Good night.
DS
I'd bribe you with Indian food but I don't want to curry favor....
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