Nothing in this blog can be believed. If you think that anything in this blog is true or factual, you'll need to verify it from another source. Do you understand? No? Then read it again, and repeat this process, until you understand that you cannot sue me for anything you read here. Also, having been sucked into taking part in the mass-murder of more than 3 million Vietnamese people on behalf of U.S. Big Business "interests", I'm as mad as a cut snake (and broke) so it might be a bit silly to try to sue me anyway...

Thursday, March 23, 2006

can't sleep...

Greensmile has hit the nail right on the head. I'm not sleeping much lately. My head's full of shit but I haven't been in a blogging mood as you can tell. I don't really want to infect readers with my depressing rantings. But I will share a few things.

I'm almost a total recluse now. Except for my poor suffering partner (bless her soul) I go out of my way to have as little contact with people as possible. I can't even bear (no pun intended) emails. They deserve a genuine intimacy which I cannot muster. Also I've had bad experiences with emails. I've lost readers due to them. Seems when I tell it how it really is for me, this is so pathetic, or so confronting, or so offensive, or so whatever, that they end up just not replying, and then they shun this blog. I think I'm a social leper. Is there a colony for social lepers?

Also, I got my nose fully out of joint when a blogger, for whom I have heaps of respect, saw fit to trash me from her blogroll without so much as a "Get fucked, Gerry, you shit me because of blah-blah-blah..." (Isn't it interesting that I am so hypersensitive about how other's treat me and yet I say the most insensitive things?)

What can I say, other than "Sorryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!" Next lifetime I might develop the social skills necessary to negotiate the mazes of this seriously fucked-up society.

I find myself talking to myself a lot these days. My most common expression is "Yuze can all get fucked!" I've even muttered this out loud (unwittingly) whilst skulking around the local shopping centre.

I'd get "treatment" if I had any faith in the "treatments".

Physically things haven't been great either. I had weeks of severe lower back pain which has now "settled down" into agonising sciatica.

As you can tell, I'm doomed...

Ron, I hope I didn't offend you with my latest comment on your blog. It was meant to be funny and witty but I no longer know if that's how I'm perceived "out there", and I cannot trust my own judgement it seems...



Blogger GreenSmile said...

you're doomed. I'm doomed. We are all doomed. Its the lucky ones who get to go to the doom store and pick out the flavor of doom that will transition them back to the infinite oblivion they came from. Lucky because they don't know any better.

They label all the dooms at the doom store with high sounding names. They got Valhalah Vanilla, Heavenly Hash, Hellishly Hot Jalapeno, Blaze of Glory Blueberry. Moon reflected in Spring Water is popular with Buddhists. I think you can even get "Consciousness without an object" if you can Merrell-Wolff it down.

And you know what? Only the labels are different. They all taste exactly the same but yer dead so you don't know. Its the bloody anticipation they are selling you, don't you know? Would you have the balls to charge for a hoax like that?


Well thats what ya get fer starting an executioner on the topic of doom.

[glad to see you stirring bearly-a-blogger! Complaining is so delicious and for some unfathomable reason, complaint seems to need little license when one visits the dodgy get some sleep!]

March 23, 2006 7:16 AM  
Blogger GreenSmile said...

...(Isn't it interesting that I am so hypersensitive about how other's treat me and yet I say the most insensitive things?)

and in this you are different from whom?

March 23, 2006 7:19 AM  
Blogger GreenSmile said...

Too bad you aren't an old guy, Gerry. NYTimes says they got cures for old guys.

March 23, 2006 12:24 PM  
Blogger Ron said...

No offence even thought about let alone taken, Gerry. I am not really blogging on MM anymore, just do the occasional piece on Larvatus when I need to.

This post of yours could have been written by me except the part about another blogger. I can't remember the last time I slept two hours in a row. I buy a lottery ticket every day: my dream, if I win, is to buy a house in the bush on a hundred forested acres and just go into the local town once a week for food and books. But I'm never going to win 'cause things like that don't happen to people like me.

I just wish I the had the guts to you know what but I can't anyway because I have kids ... maybe nature will do the job for me soon. Anyway the mental and physical pain is just punish because of the things I have done in my life and the people I've hurt - my karma cup runneth over.

Anyway, nice to see a post from you again.

March 23, 2006 8:01 PM  
Blogger JahTeh said...

Welcome to the back pain club. Rantings from the bear are preferable to silence which makes us worry.
The faithful already know you're nuts but we keep coming back even if it is only to use your blogroll. One day I'll learn how to put up links.

You growl a lot Bear but underneath you're just a fluffy big teddy, fluffy big pink teddy. That ought to trash your rep as a brawler.

March 24, 2006 12:25 PM  
Blogger Gerry said...

GS, I liked your doom thing. I've done a bit of "research" into the beyond, and from what I can make out there is NO judicary sitting in judgemeent "up" there. Just a benign, all-forgiving love emanating from "somehere". Nor is one condemned to hell or oblivion for committing suicide. There's apparently an endless sequence of "lifetimes' until one "gets over" some original (and subsequent) crap which keeps hurling us back into this cesspit. They even invented eternity for the slow learners... If there IS a hell, it's right here, right now. Of course, my "research" could be flawed...

Ron, for the sake of your loved ones, I hope you don't find the guts to do you know what. Even though I frequently stand on the edge of that abyss myself and I too have been stopped each time by the thought of what it would do to those who love me. Seems that if you love them, you can't do it. Anyway, I doubt they hand out medals for it at the other end....

JayTee, I'm a big bad misogynist denying women their rights doncha know (no, this is not aimed at you - they know who they are). Fucking generalising, man-hating bitches!


March 26, 2006 12:01 PM  
Blogger me & God... said...


if u lived in the UK - i'd tell you to watch Planet Earth on BBC 1 9pm GMT. it'll take your mind of nasty things.

if i was there - i'd give you a hug, and maybe a massage.

not everyone understands the way you communicate - but the people who do - i guess they're Real gems. ppl i probably wish i could be friends with but wouldn't be cool enough to earn.

it's okay. everyone gets the blues - but the grass is greener where it rains. i would know. i live in the rainiest town in Scotland.

March 27, 2006 9:21 AM  
Blogger me & God... said...

how bout i pray for you everyday this week... n u can see if anything happens to cheer you up?

this is the best post you've ever written.

(but that's probably cus i'm a girl)

March 27, 2006 9:23 AM  
Blogger Gerry said...

Nora, thanks. I wonder if praying for atheists who frequently backslide into agnosticism is (a) effective, or (b) worth it. But I'll let you know if somethig happens to cheer me up. I promise.

Best post I've ever written? Heh. I thought it was one of my worst. Totally pathetic. "I wouldn't join a club that would have me as a member." (Sorry, Graucho)

Another puzzle: I just checked my Bloglines and since I've been teetering on the edge of blogospheric oblivion, and posting shite, the number of subscibers has jumped from eight to ten. It was steady on eight for about twelf months prior to that. Go figure, those of you who are statistically inclined...

March 27, 2006 11:55 PM  
Blogger Tony said...

I see from my counter that someone has just visited my blog from yours. If this was you, I hope you found something which cheered you up a bit and that you will drop in again some time.
By the way, don't believe what the Scottish lady told you about Planet Earth: the latest programme in the series featured a huge pile of bat poo containing millions of cockroaches, which is hardly likely to take your mind off nasty things.
All the best, Gerry.

March 28, 2006 12:49 AM  
Blogger Gerry said...

Hi Tony. Yeah that was me. I'm still feel like a coal merchant gatecrashing a Royal Ball in his work clothes, everytime I visit your blog. Thanks for your kind wishes, Tony, but I'm so f*cked up I don't think I'll ever find my way out of the hole I'm in. I blame, to a great degree, all of the arseholes who voted for Bush Blair and Howard last time round. I have lost all faith in the democratic process. It is so easily manipulated and subverted. The next person to tell me about the wonders of our "freedom" and "democracy" is likely to wear a bunch of fives.

Yuze can all get fucked!

March 28, 2006 1:03 AM  
Blogger Tony said...

Oh, right.

March 28, 2006 2:22 AM  
Blogger me & God... said...

EVERYONE is f-d in the head. only the cool people admit it instead of pretending they're fine like the rest of the hoard.

March 28, 2006 12:25 PM  
Blogger phil said...

What everyone else said. When I read a post such as this I wish there was something I could do. I don't know you but I reckon I know a lot of people like you. We're all a bit f**ked in the head one way or other but only the sensible figure it out for themselves. I like the phrase 'backsliding agnostic' 'cos it indicates (to me, anyeay) a very realistic assessment of 'what's it all about'. I like visiting here 'cos it feels familar. Stay cool.

March 28, 2006 11:22 PM  
Blogger Allan said...

I am also a lot like that. Doomed, reclusive and in pain, that is. Somehow , there's still plenty of humour does seem familar here.

March 31, 2006 2:45 AM  
Blogger Gerry said...

Nora, it worries me that anyone thinks I'm cool. Sort of spells the end for cool I think...

Phil, Allan, WELCOME !!!

March 31, 2006 1:18 PM  

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